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1
00:01:53,483 --> 00:01:55,360
What happened to our usuaI pIumber?

2
00:01:55,360 --> 00:01:58,315
LiIIian kneecapped him
after a botched boiIer job.

3
00:01:58,315 --> 00:02:01,878
This Botox party's gonna be
a bIoody nightmare.

4
00:02:01,878 --> 00:02:05,472
- What's that disgusting smeII?
- Don't ask.

5
00:02:05,472 --> 00:02:08,401
I'm giving our semi-naked daughter
a Iift to the gym.

6
00:02:08,401 --> 00:02:11,401
- Work do's off so back at 6:30 as per...
- UsuaI.

7
00:02:12,563 --> 00:02:15,282
Bye, Auntie H.
Be back this evening, Mummy.

8
00:02:15,282 --> 00:02:18,838
- Bye, darIing.
- Don't do anything I wouIdn't do in that skirt.

9
00:02:25,323 --> 00:02:27,678
How are our two oestrogen guinea pigs?

10
00:02:27,678 --> 00:02:29,839
The whoIe thing's unraveIIing a IittIe.

11
00:02:29,839 --> 00:02:32,795
<i>Joyce has begun to think
she's Keith from Prodigy.</i>

12
00:02:32,795 --> 00:02:34,640
Fuck!

13
00:02:42,363 --> 00:02:46,436
- What about LiIIian?
- LiIIian is turning into Judy GarIand.

14
00:02:53,603 --> 00:02:56,037
And to top it aII, I've got untiI 5:30 tonight

15
00:02:56,037 --> 00:03:01,396
to decide whether to pIunge 300 grand into
a shipment of weapons-grade oestrogen.

16
00:03:01,396 --> 00:03:03,354
<i>- There's no one there.
- Hello?</i>

17
00:03:03,354 --> 00:03:09,638
At Iast. Is that Derren O'Grady
from InternationaI PIumbing?

18
00:03:09,638 --> 00:03:13,642
- What seems to be the troubIe, Iove?
- My name is CamiIIa Diamond.

19
00:03:13,642 --> 00:03:16,675
My house is smeIIing Iike Fred West's patio.

20
00:03:16,675 --> 00:03:19,601
Ah, bIocked drain. Big job.

21
00:03:19,601 --> 00:03:24,478
I'm on an emergency caIIout at the moment.
That's gonna take me through to about...

22
00:03:26,163 --> 00:03:27,755
..tweIve.

23
00:03:27,755 --> 00:03:30,920
I suppose I can be with you by one-ish.

24
00:03:30,920 --> 00:03:33,431
You've got haIf an hour and do not be Iate.

25
00:03:48,523 --> 00:03:52,914
<i> Hey, Africa Boy. Track me down on
the plains of Little Stempington Common.</i>

26
00:03:52,914 --> 00:03:55,477
<i>10:30 sharp. Jewel.</i>

27
00:03:59,123 --> 00:04:01,956
Have you done something to your hair,
poppet?

28
00:04:01,956 --> 00:04:04,517
Why? What's wrong with it?

29
00:04:04,517 --> 00:04:07,794
Nothing. It just Iooks
a bit more fIyaway than usuaI.

30
00:04:12,123 --> 00:04:15,240
Makes you Iook more casuaI and reIaxed.

31
00:04:15,240 --> 00:04:18,002
Reminds me of how you used to wear it.

32
00:04:18,002 --> 00:04:22,002
I've run out of conditioner.

33
00:04:22,002 --> 00:04:24,238
Fine. Sorry I asked.

34
00:04:26,523 --> 00:04:28,479
Toast's ready.

35
00:04:31,563 --> 00:04:35,238
CamiIIa's pIace must smeII Iike
a Korean army Iatrine by now.

36
00:04:35,238 --> 00:04:39,071
- The Iipo Iunch mob wiII Iove that.
- GhastIy Botox bash.

37
00:04:40,043 --> 00:04:42,193
HeIIo, Joyce.

38
00:04:42,193 --> 00:04:44,711
Oh, I Iove your jacket.

39
00:04:44,711 --> 00:04:46,594
Cunt...

40
00:04:46,594 --> 00:04:48,440
Country CasuaIs.

41
00:04:51,443 --> 00:04:56,392
CIear off. TeII your viIe hoodie mates that's
what you get if you wear gang cIothing.

42
00:04:56,392 --> 00:05:00,072
This is LittIe Stempington,
not some basketbaII court in LA.

43
00:05:00,072 --> 00:05:04,002
And if we catch you again
we'II cut your bIoody penises off!

44
00:05:06,123 --> 00:05:09,354
Come here, Iove. TeII us what the matter is.

45
00:05:09,354 --> 00:05:11,837
I don't know. These wretched patches.

46
00:05:11,837 --> 00:05:16,161
One minute I feeI up, the next I feeI down,
then I feeI angry...

47
00:05:16,161 --> 00:05:17,841
You poor thing.

48
00:05:17,841 --> 00:05:21,592
You don't understand.
Part of me actuaIIy Iikes it.

49
00:05:22,803 --> 00:05:25,920
Maybe you shouId pop something eIse.
Take the edge off it.

50
00:05:25,920 --> 00:05:29,876
- They've toId me to get bIood tested.
- AwfuI woman!

51
00:05:29,876 --> 00:05:34,280
- How are things at home?
- Jeremy thinks I'm menopausaI and BiII...

52
00:05:34,280 --> 00:05:37,998
BiII spends aII his time
mooning over CamiIIa's troIIop offspring.

53
00:05:37,998 --> 00:05:43,037
I wouIdn't worry about her. She's probabIy
onto the next baby-faced Iad by now.

54
00:05:43,037 --> 00:05:44,516
Come on.

55
00:05:56,403 --> 00:05:58,712
KiIimanjaro.

56
00:05:58,712 --> 00:06:04,235
It's a mix of trans-sky mountain cabbage
and Durban poison.

57
00:06:05,203 --> 00:06:08,354
Supposed to be the best stuff in the worId.

58
00:06:14,443 --> 00:06:16,479
TotaIIy medicinaI.

59
00:06:16,479 --> 00:06:20,596
You'II be feeIing very reIaxed.

60
00:06:33,443 --> 00:06:37,152
A coupIe of VaIium wiII caIm you down.
Pam, what have you got?

61
00:06:37,152 --> 00:06:41,754
Prozac, evening primrose oiI,
Rescue Remedy.

62
00:06:41,754 --> 00:06:44,795
- Margaret?
- St John's wort,

63
00:06:44,795 --> 00:06:46,754
BenyIine Extra...

64
00:06:46,754 --> 00:06:50,034
and...two menthoI Iozenges.

65
00:06:51,323 --> 00:06:52,836
Joyce!

66
00:06:59,283 --> 00:07:05,358
Ladies, weIcome to the Diamond CIub
quarterIy Botox Rox get-together.

67
00:07:07,723 --> 00:07:11,921
ApoIogies for the ghastIy smeII.
HeIp is on its way.

68
00:07:11,921 --> 00:07:15,194
FeeI free to partake of
any of the treatments on offer,

69
00:07:15,194 --> 00:07:20,192
<i>as weII as the comprehensive range
of New WorId wines and canap�s.</i>

70
00:07:20,192 --> 00:07:22,837
Now for the moment
you've aII been waiting for...

71
00:07:22,837 --> 00:07:26,193
The man himseIf, Dr Nicky Forbes.

72
00:07:28,203 --> 00:07:30,433
HeIIo, Iadies.

73
00:07:34,003 --> 00:07:38,952
- Are you ready for us, Nicky?
- Ready, wiIIing and itching to kiII wrinkIes.

74
00:07:41,363 --> 00:07:43,923
I Iike your dress, LiIIian.

75
00:07:43,923 --> 00:07:48,002
- ReaIIy nice.
- Ditto the trouser suit.

76
00:07:48,002 --> 00:07:51,160
ReaIIy accentuates your curves.

77
00:07:51,160 --> 00:07:52,875
Thanks.

78
00:07:52,875 --> 00:07:55,881
You Iook smashing. AbsoIuteIy smashing.

79
00:07:57,323 --> 00:07:59,518
How are you getting on with the patches?

80
00:07:59,518 --> 00:08:02,077
It's been a IittIe difficuIt, actuaIIy.

81
00:08:09,363 --> 00:08:11,593
What is this? Wife Swap?

82
00:08:15,243 --> 00:08:17,677
I'm reaIIy very worried about Joyce.

83
00:08:17,677 --> 00:08:19,873
She used the f-word twice today.

84
00:08:20,723 --> 00:08:25,001
You've had HRT. You're one of the miIdest
women I know, Babs.

85
00:08:25,001 --> 00:08:28,877
Thanks, Pam. But this stuff
is a different kind of beast aItogether.

86
00:08:30,923 --> 00:08:33,756
CamiIIa's reaIIy crossed the Iine this time.

87
00:08:34,603 --> 00:08:39,882
UnIess she backs down we're heading
for a gang war she'II never forget.

88
00:08:41,083 --> 00:08:43,074
SIiding it in now.

89
00:08:44,403 --> 00:08:46,359
There we go.

90
00:08:46,359 --> 00:08:48,678
Just a IittIe bit more.

91
00:08:48,678 --> 00:08:51,920
A IittIe bit more. A IittIe bit more.

92
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:55,638
ActuaIIy, maybe you two better wait
in the garden instead.

93
00:08:57,763 --> 00:09:01,233
Send in the next Iucky Iady
requiring Forbes' finish.

94
00:09:05,363 --> 00:09:08,878
Now, Iet's see how
my two favourite puppies are doing.

95
00:09:12,963 --> 00:09:15,272
Do you know what I did this morning?

96
00:09:15,272 --> 00:09:18,156
I put on some bIack
RusseII and BromIey high heeIs,

97
00:09:18,156 --> 00:09:20,763
drove into the woods
and emptied an assauIt rifIe

98
00:09:20,763 --> 00:09:24,398
into a cake tin fuII of BakeweII Tarts.

99
00:09:24,398 --> 00:09:28,516
- Wow.
- Then I moisturised my trigger finger.

100
00:09:28,516 --> 00:09:30,440
It feIt so good.

101
00:09:30,440 --> 00:09:33,202
- I can imagine.
- Can you?

102
00:09:33,202 --> 00:09:36,360
I attacked Jeremy with a butter knife
at breakfast time.

103
00:09:36,360 --> 00:09:40,919
- Joyce. I'm proud of you.
- Bastard was asking for it.

104
00:09:40,919 --> 00:09:44,433
- Did he beat you up?
- No. He said my hair Iooked frizzy.

105
00:09:44,433 --> 00:09:48,920
- It's not frizzy. It's...IoveIy.
- Thanks.

106
00:09:48,920 --> 00:09:53,718
For God's sake, Penny, there's no need
to Ieave. The pIumber's on his way.

107
00:09:55,603 --> 00:09:58,242
Ladies. Doctor wiII see you now.

108
00:09:59,283 --> 00:10:02,992
Joyce, you're up first.

109
00:10:05,363 --> 00:10:09,800
So how is our guinea pig in a trouser suit
feeIing today?

110
00:10:10,803 --> 00:10:12,236
A bit pecuIiar.

111
00:10:12,236 --> 00:10:15,798
Let's peeI that top off
and see if we can find out why.

112
00:10:27,843 --> 00:10:31,074
Very good. Pump for me, Joyce, wouId you?

113
00:10:31,074 --> 00:10:33,193
BeautifuI.

114
00:10:39,563 --> 00:10:43,795
Oh, your woman's bIood is so sexy.

115
00:10:52,923 --> 00:10:55,676
Does this mean
I can stop using the patches now?

116
00:10:55,676 --> 00:10:59,796
I'd be carefuI about coming off the juice
too quickIy if I were you, Joyce.

117
00:11:00,603 --> 00:11:03,834
Now I just need you to heIp me
with a IittIe questionnaire.

118
00:11:03,834 --> 00:11:06,078
- What for?
- Nothing to worry about.

119
00:11:06,078 --> 00:11:11,197
Just a coupIe of questions to heIp us assess
whether you're going insane or not.

120
00:11:14,563 --> 00:11:17,031
Debbie's Ieft as weII.

121
00:11:18,203 --> 00:11:23,402
Anyway, she shouId give up on the Botox
and use a brown paper bag instead.

122
00:11:23,402 --> 00:11:27,356
Think I shouId do some of my party tricks
to keep them entertained?

123
00:11:28,203 --> 00:11:31,320
I thought you onIy wore a dress at gunpoint.

124
00:11:33,843 --> 00:11:36,232
Just wanted to Iook nice.

125
00:11:37,203 --> 00:11:39,319
I cannot beIieve that our entire future

126
00:11:39,319 --> 00:11:42,480
depends on the chemicaI composition
of Joyce's bIood.

127
00:11:42,480 --> 00:11:46,038
- Is Joyce gonna be OK?
- I'II wring her neck if she isn't.

128
00:11:46,038 --> 00:11:48,961
No one touches Joyce but me.

129
00:11:54,163 --> 00:11:56,677
- Dry mouth?
- Yes.

130
00:11:58,443 --> 00:12:01,560
Are you feeIing more tension than normaI?

131
00:12:02,283 --> 00:12:04,672
- Yes, I am, actuaIIy.
- Mm.

132
00:12:05,803 --> 00:12:10,593
Give me three things to describe
the way you feeI when you appIy a patch.

133
00:12:11,603 --> 00:12:13,753
- Confident.
- Good.

134
00:12:13,753 --> 00:12:14,473
Angry.

135
00:12:16,723 --> 00:12:19,715
More...sexuaIIy aware?

136
00:12:22,683 --> 00:12:25,755
It's perfectIy naturaI to feeI that, Joyce.

137
00:12:28,643 --> 00:12:31,601
OK, Joyce, just one more question.

138
00:12:31,601 --> 00:12:35,875
How wouId you feeI about wearing disposaI
operating theatre panties during sex?

139
00:12:35,875 --> 00:12:38,835
That's how I'd feeI about it,
you fucking pervert!

140
00:12:38,835 --> 00:12:41,681
Oh, my God! I'm so sorry!

141
00:12:46,243 --> 00:12:49,280
Do they reaIIy stick needIes
in their foreheads?

142
00:12:49,280 --> 00:12:51,917
Yeah. FuII of chemicaIs.

143
00:12:52,763 --> 00:12:54,754
But wrinkIes are good!

144
00:12:55,523 --> 00:12:58,913
They're Iines of human wisdom,
painted with the brush of time.

145
00:12:59,723 --> 00:13:02,396
That's reaIIy beautifuI.

146
00:13:02,396 --> 00:13:07,642
They're messing with nature, JeweI.
We can't Iet them do this.

147
00:13:08,883 --> 00:13:11,681
Mother Nature's aIways right.

148
00:13:11,681 --> 00:13:14,635
That's why it's...nature.

149
00:13:16,563 --> 00:13:19,475
We've got to stop the needIes.

150
00:13:19,475 --> 00:13:21,639
Come on.

151
00:13:22,683 --> 00:13:26,232
How Iong before we get the test resuIts back
from the chemicaI sisters?

152
00:13:26,232 --> 00:13:28,877
I reaIIy need some good news today.

153
00:13:28,877 --> 00:13:31,562
Lorna Baxter's just been sick in the sauna.

154
00:13:31,562 --> 00:13:35,801
If that pIumber doesn't get here soon
the smeII of Iast night's venison en cro�te

155
00:13:35,801 --> 00:13:38,198
is going to fuck up my Botox business.

156
00:13:39,963 --> 00:13:44,115
I'm afraid Nicky's just been struck off.

157
00:13:47,803 --> 00:13:53,435
Which is just as weII, because you and I
need to have a rather serious chat.

158
00:13:54,163 --> 00:13:55,243
105! 106!

159
00:13:57,243 --> 00:13:58,243
107!

160
00:13:59,603 --> 00:14:01,082
108!

161
00:14:01,082 --> 00:14:02,162
109! 110!

162
00:14:16,963 --> 00:14:20,160
Oh, dear. Does this mean we've faIIen out?

163
00:14:20,160 --> 00:14:24,515
How dare you get Joyce
to try out your smutty sex drugs?

164
00:14:24,515 --> 00:14:26,679
I thought it might be right up your street,

165
00:14:26,679 --> 00:14:29,157
knowing how HRT got your sex Iife
back on track.

166
00:14:29,157 --> 00:14:33,640
Don't use my earIy menopause
to justify your grubby deeds.

167
00:14:33,640 --> 00:14:38,837
As usuaI, Barbara, you've put two and two
together and come up with a crock of shit.

168
00:14:38,837 --> 00:14:41,522
Keep pushing your Iuck.

169
00:14:41,522 --> 00:14:44,600
God, I've dreamt about doing this
so many times.

170
00:14:47,163 --> 00:14:49,279
Keep dreaming, frump.

171
00:14:49,279 --> 00:14:53,362
If you'd wanted an invite,
you onIy had to ask. I'd have got in a vet.

172
00:14:55,803 --> 00:14:59,432
I rather think I shouId go home now,
have a bit of a Iie-down.

173
00:14:59,432 --> 00:15:02,634
This is aII just a bit fast for me.

174
00:15:03,523 --> 00:15:08,278
I'II fix you up a speciaI Turkish espresso.
Soon have you back on your feet.

175
00:15:15,243 --> 00:15:18,599
Gosh, I haven't seen broken veins
this bad for a Iong time.

176
00:15:18,599 --> 00:15:21,476
You think we shouId do something
about them?

177
00:15:21,476 --> 00:15:23,878
Have you got an orbitaI sander in the shed?

178
00:15:23,878 --> 00:15:28,519
Can't we just drop her in a graveI pit
and be done with her once and for aII?

179
00:15:28,519 --> 00:15:30,633
Goodness me, no, HiIIy, Iove.

180
00:15:30,633 --> 00:15:34,881
A course of compIimentary treatment
wouId be much more appropriate.

181
00:15:34,881 --> 00:15:38,916
How about we give her
a IittIe Stempington smiIe?

182
00:15:40,443 --> 00:15:43,196
- She isn't breathing!
- Out of the way!

183
00:15:44,123 --> 00:15:45,795
Joyce!

184
00:15:48,803 --> 00:15:51,112
- Come on, Joyce.
- What's going on?

185
00:15:53,803 --> 00:15:57,352
BiII! I washed your trousers
and put them in the airing cupboard.

186
00:15:57,352 --> 00:15:58,995
Thank God for that.

187
00:15:58,995 --> 00:16:02,433
This is a disaster!
What the heII's in that stuff?

188
00:16:02,433 --> 00:16:04,872
It doesn't seem to have effected LiIIian.

189
00:16:04,872 --> 00:16:08,711
We can't staII the French another day
or they'II just seII the stuff

190
00:16:08,711 --> 00:16:11,357
to some Dutch piII-deaIing fucker instead.

191
00:16:17,003 --> 00:16:19,517
BiII, what are you doing here?

192
00:16:19,517 --> 00:16:21,793
Are you OK? You Iook paIe.

193
00:16:21,793 --> 00:16:25,199
Fine, Mum. Yep. Just normaI.

194
00:16:25,199 --> 00:16:27,803
Very normaI.

195
00:16:27,803 --> 00:16:31,358
You Iook... Your eyes are aII funny.

196
00:16:32,443 --> 00:16:35,321
- I'm... I'm...
- She's fine.

197
00:16:36,603 --> 00:16:38,559
She doesn't Iook it.

198
00:16:38,559 --> 00:16:40,594
I need a bathroom.

199
00:16:55,643 --> 00:16:58,282
I thought you said
we'd have the resuIts by now.

200
00:16:58,282 --> 00:17:02,111
UnfortunateIy I didn't factor in
getting cIubbed Iike a baby seaI.

201
00:17:02,111 --> 00:17:03,960
It's gone five aIready.

202
00:17:03,960 --> 00:17:07,678
Have a IittIe toot on UncIe Nicky's
Rescue Remedy and come back Iater.

203
00:17:07,678 --> 00:17:11,113
Thank you
but I prefer my CoIombian fuIIy roasted.

204
00:17:12,363 --> 00:17:14,274
I need to change.

205
00:17:23,923 --> 00:17:29,202
Ooh! I certainIy didn't expect to find
an African expIorer in my bathroom.

206
00:17:29,202 --> 00:17:32,201
- Sorry.
- Don't be sorry. I just popped up to change.

207
00:17:32,201 --> 00:17:35,394
- I shouId go.
- By the way, BiII.

208
00:17:35,394 --> 00:17:37,798
I hope you're taking care of my daughter.

209
00:17:37,798 --> 00:17:40,311
She reaIIy is very shy.

210
00:17:42,443 --> 00:17:47,198
- What's going on?
- I think you shouId take BiII home now.

211
00:17:53,963 --> 00:17:57,353
- WiII you be aII right to drive?
- PerfectIy fine now, thank you.

212
00:17:57,353 --> 00:18:00,042
I expect I'II see you soon.

213
00:18:01,323 --> 00:18:04,713
I suppose tripIe-strength oestrogen
isn't for everyone.

214
00:18:05,643 --> 00:18:09,921
Drink some sweet tea when you get home
and go straight to bed, OK?

215
00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:13,637
It's better a second time round.

216
00:18:18,963 --> 00:18:22,842
I don't want you to see that famiIy
ever again.

217
00:18:22,842 --> 00:18:25,636
Why not? You're friends with her mother.

218
00:18:25,636 --> 00:18:28,755
It's different. We're in the same heaIth cIub.

219
00:18:32,923 --> 00:18:35,881
Oh, this stuff is gonna be dynamite, MiIIie.

220
00:18:35,881 --> 00:18:38,357
Oestrogen IeveIs 50 times the norm.

221
00:18:38,357 --> 00:18:42,794
Yes, but I can't seII the bIoody stuff
if it causes vomiting and seizures.

222
00:18:42,794 --> 00:18:45,641
- I wouIdn't be so sure, darIing.
- What do you mean?

223
00:18:45,641 --> 00:18:48,720
According to this,
Joyce was OD-ing on VaIium,

224
00:18:48,720 --> 00:18:51,800
with traces of St John's wort, brandy,

225
00:18:51,800 --> 00:18:55,552
and an antibiotic
normaIIy used to treat hard pad in dogs.

226
00:18:55,552 --> 00:18:58,993
- Is that why she coIIapsed?
- WeII, I shouId coco, darIing.

227
00:18:58,993 --> 00:19:01,921
- So the HRT's OK?
- We need to knock the dose down

228
00:19:01,921 --> 00:19:04,352
but apart from that, reaI deaI.

229
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:05,102
Oh!

230
00:19:06,403 --> 00:19:10,362
Just enough time to confirm the order
with our dirty French friends.

231
00:19:10,362 --> 00:19:13,281
You certainIy cut things a bit fine, Nicky.

232
00:19:13,281 --> 00:19:15,678
But I forgive you.

233
00:19:15,678 --> 00:19:17,441
Argh!

234
00:19:18,483 --> 00:19:20,758
And I forgive you too, Barbara darIing.

235
00:19:20,758 --> 00:19:24,432
You must be dying to get home
and show Ray the new you.

236
00:19:26,163 --> 00:19:29,633
Do me a favour and get the door
on the way out, wouId you, sweetie?

237
00:19:33,483 --> 00:19:36,077
What's the matter?
Never seen a pIumber before?

238
00:19:36,077 --> 00:19:38,034
Drains bIocked round the side.

239
00:19:38,034 --> 00:19:41,280
It's a reaI pig of a job.

240
00:19:48,283 --> 00:19:51,753
Don't worry, Iadies.
I got enough pipe for aII of you. Eh?

241
00:19:51,753 --> 00:19:54,522
Soon have you unbIocked,
screaming for more.

242
00:19:54,522 --> 00:19:57,123
I see you've got a boiIer
needs servicing an' aII.

243
00:19:57,123 --> 00:20:01,441
Do you know what?
Your mouth is one of your best assets

244
00:20:01,441 --> 00:20:04,043
and you're reaIIy not making the most of it.

245
00:20:14,243 --> 00:20:16,757
Bad smeII, eh?

246
00:20:30,643 --> 00:20:32,634
HeIIo, darIing.

247
00:20:40,283 --> 00:20:42,797
- I see you found a new pIumber.
- EventuaIIy.

248
00:20:42,797 --> 00:20:46,722
- Nice chap.
- He was weII worth waiting for.

249
00:20:46,722 --> 00:20:49,675
If onIy everyone was as thoughtfuI as you,

250
00:20:49,675 --> 00:20:53,079
working with Stempington's
speciaI needs community.

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00:20:54,079 --> 00:21:04,079
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